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I've been noticing something about people lately. Its an observation I already knew. Most people already know ti as well. Whether they know it consciously or subconsciously I don't know. It was based in a conversation I had the other day with someone and then I realized it in the flesh so to speak again tonight. Its a bit of a rant...

I'm invisible. I have mastered stealth technology. Though, it seems that a few other people I know have as well. Its sad to think how many people I know who the only contact I have with them is when I contact them. When I Txt them, IM them, call them. And then they're in a rush, busy, tired or have to go. Then they're online for an hour afterward and I have to wonder, did they really have to go? Or was that just a ploy to dodge me? Or they do go offline, idle, away, whatever. Then they don't email me, IM me, Txt me, call me, anything. Parties are thrown. If its my lucky day, I'm called in time to show up for someone to hand me a beer and say "Congratulations, you get the last beer for getting here so late." I was once invited to a new years eve party at 9:30 at night. People just forgot I existed. It happens most of the time. I can't recall how many parties or gatherings people have had that I find out afterwards adn thedy say things like "You should have been there!" and all i can say is "Yea... I would have. I spent that night staring at my wall. Thanks for inviting me."

The only time I really see people is when I'm a convenient person for them to know. They've never been to Philly and want to crash in my apartment. Or they've got a meeting down here and use my apartment while they're here. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm glad they come to me. I atleast get to see them then. Its better than never hearing from them. I'd love to hear from people once in a while though just to see how they're doing. I've concluded that that's an interest that other people don't have towards me. They don't care how I'm doing. They'd inquire if they did.

If I had the money, I'd travel across the country or world. Just to see how many people would bother to notice. How many people would care? I'm going with 4. I cna't fathom any more than 4 people I know even noticing that I moved to the the other side of the country. I'd just get up and leave without telling anyone. And then in the middle of a conversation just be like "I gotta eat, its noon." when its 3pm for them. or see who calls and is like "Come on down tomorrow there's a party" (Ha. yea right) and I'd be like "I can't I'm across the country".

Part of me watns to blame WoW for some of them. They used to be online before WoW. They used to answer IMs and texts before it. But they dont' know. Some, didn't asnwer them before WoW though. Its multiple people on all counts too. As a result I really want to blame wow, but that's like blaming TV for murder. Its just the negligence of people. Every so often I try really hard to keep in touch with everyone that mean something to me.. and they're always like "Yea.. that's cool... I gotta go. I'll call you though." They never do. As a result I give up trying. People don't care. So why should I? I'm apparently one of a small number of people who don't follow "Can't see it, it doens't exist." since I still know my friends are out there somewhere. I just wonder how many of them remember that I'm here.

A lot of friends say they'd pick up and run to help you if you really needed them too. I believe them. But its like that saying about a Pint of a swear and a gallon of blood. Most people will come running when you're bleeding all over the pavement, but they wouldn't lift a finger until you've hit the point of desperation.

There are a couple people who ask me how my day was. Or ask me how i've been when they haven't seen/spoken to me in a week. People who genuinely care about my condition more than whether i'm still breathing. I'm glad the few of them who do take the time to talk to me do. They're the glue that keeps me together most days.

Maybe I'm guilty of it all too. I don't know. Am I? I try not to be. I try to keep contact. But people sem to regularly thwart my efforts either by claiming they're busy and can't do it now but will call me to do something later, or just not answering messages. Time kills friends. Lack of seeing each other on a day to day basis kills friends. Distance kills friends. Nothing can be done to stop it it seems. THat's a sad thought.

I guess I'm just depressed by that. :/ O well.

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I hitched a ride with my soul
By the side of the road
Just as the sky turned black
I took a walk with my
fame
Down memory lane
I never did find my way back

You know that I gotta say time's slipping away
And what will it hold for me
What am I gonna do while
I'm looking at you
You're standing ignoring me

I thought that I heard someone say now
There's
no time for running away now
Hey now! Hey now!

Feel no shame - cos time's no chain
Feel no shame

The first thing I saw
As I walked through the
door
Was a sign on the wall that read
It said you
might never know
That I want you to know
What is
written inside of your head

And time as it stands
Won't be held in my hands
Or living inside of my
skin
And as it fell from the sky
I asked myself why
Can I never let anyone in?

I thought that I heard
someone say now
There's no time for running away
now
Hey now! Hey now!

Feel no shame - cos
time's no chain
Feel no shame

I hitched a
ride with my soul
By the side of the road
Just as the
sky turned black
I took a walk with my fame
Down
memory lane
I never did find my way back

You
know that I gotta say time's slipping away
And what
will it hold for me
What am I gonna do while I'm
looking at you
You're standing ignoring me

I thought that I heard someone say now
There's no
time for running away now
Hey now! Hey now!

Feel
no shame - cos time's no chain
Feel no shame